Never have I experienced this depth of love before. I feel like my heart is literally expanding in my chest. The pure overwhelm of what is taking place inside of me is incredible. My past partner speaks of it as being something he too has not experienced ever with anyone. He has yearned for this depth of connection as have I, yet something inside of me has been so hellbent on protecting myself that I've kept it at bay.
It's as if I have been in battle my entire life, I have had my army ready for the fight even when there was nothing to fight with. My defenses have been ten deep and my sheilds have been made of the toughest of materials. My swords have been sharpened and my armour has covered every part of my body doubled over my heart.
Along with the army, I have had my trusty dragons and cannons ready to attack.
The most sad part about this is that I've been in my castle, or perhaps even in the dungeon of my life with my own ball and chain around my ankle. I have kept myself prisoner, living a lonely existence for fear of being attacked from the other side if I dared to leave the safety of my heart.
My heart was so damaged when I was raped as a little girl that I wondered if it could ever be healed. For 30 something years I have yielded against anything or anyone that would even come close to my heart. Many tried and failed at the quest to rescue me from the dungeon of my wounds. A wounded broken princess lay buried in her own inner battle to love herself from all the pain. The one thing she wanted so badly was to be rescued and taken away from her suffering, yet it was the very thing she pushed away whenever it came near.
So now as the wounds heal deeper than they ever have before, as the scar tissue heals over with newness and purity, the damsel in distress can feel safe to come out into the light. Never did I realise the utter damage and ongoing saga my childhood abuse would have on me throughout my life. It has been a story that has plagued me for almost 35 years and one I am finally putting to rest. Finally through the nectar of sexual healing,
I feel complete, I feel whole, I feel all brand new. I feel as if the heaviness has been lifted by the gift of love, the gift of one man who I pushed beyond his limits, who was able to stand strong in his conviction and not give up on me.
So many have given up on the broken little girl, too hard basket. But this man, this MAN, not a broken boy loved me enough to stick with me even in the really hard times. Through his pure frustration and sometimes anger and withdrawal, I got that what I thought was me being hurt, was him protecting himself. We were both protecting ourselves from our childhood wounds. Both our armies came together to battle and neither side won. We were both defeated and left with nothing. Emptiness and abandonment was all that was left after the massacre was over. Everything dead and gone with wounded hearts left bleeding all over the ground. What fucking good is that to anyone? Nothing!
So I declare on this twenty third day in April 2013...
THE WAR IS OVER! THE WAR IS OVER! THE WAR IS OVER!
and in this declaration I find myself crying tears of relief, tears of vulnerability and tears of gratitude for what is being revealed from within me.
Never have I felt so much love inside of my heart, never have I felt so much tenderness or youth springing up from the well within me. I guess this is what they refer to as 'the fountain of youth'. This feeling is overwhelming and one I will never shut down. EVER! As I look in the mirror I see a young woman, free and open emerging from inside. She looks so innocent and sweet, words I would never have described myself with in the past.
This heart is healed, this body is healed, this womb is healed. The little girl inside of me dissolved and grew up to become the woman. The damaged teenager who was stripped of her innocence has also dissolved and grown up. What is left is a pure, fresh knowing that all is well in my world and I can finally, after all these years open my heart to love, to trust and to a deeper connection than I could have ever possibly have imagined was possible for me in this lifetime.
Relationship after relationship, battle after battle with no hope for love only a means to survive. This story is no longer true and I am experiencing a new and beautiful reality. How blessed I am to know what I know and have the love and support outside of me to help me journey through my pain. What happened to me was my greatest gift and my through the darkness that was bestowed upon me was born the brightest light ready to shine upon the world.
The blessing in all of this is as I heal more of me, I can support humanity and the epidemic that is sexual abuse across our globe. I feel like I'm an expert in this subject and have the strongest conviction to help support others in their own healing process. So please, if you feel moved by what I am sharing, reach out and ask for help. It is possible to transform the scars. Contact me here
for a confidential chat
Last night I had the most beautiful experience of my life. I had my first whole body multiple orgasm. Now this is really quite personal and yet I feel it is so important to share this with the world as it will hopefully touch some hearts and help to awakening the energy inside of you that has perhaps been lying dorment for many years.
Okay so here goes. This is where it all began. At the age of 5 I was raped by my grandfather. I know it is hard to imagine that this could even take place and I sometimes wonder how it is physically possible for this to happen. I know by the memory recall that I wasn't entered violently, it was just my grandads way of showing his love from the warped conditioning of his own childhood. I have come to terms with what happened to me and through many many years of therapy and healing I have forgiven him and moved on with my life knowing what happened to me was my greatest gift. I now work with women who have been raped and sexually abused and feel so blessed to support them on their path to freedom.
But wait there's more... at the age of 11 I was raped again by my best friends brother on a camping holiday. Again it wasn't a violent act but as he climbed on top of me and put his hand over my mouth something inside of me knew I was being violated. When I woke in the morning there was blood on the sheets and deep sadness in my heart. Is this how my virginity is meant to be taken... again? So that was it, I was deflowered at 5 and 11 and would never know what it would be like to be made love to and have my virginity taken in a sacred and beautiful way... the way it's meant to be.
So fast forward 30 years, thousands of dollars in therapy and I find myself at a couples Tantra course. We were exploring the masculine within ourselves and was asked how he showed up. For me it was a little confusing and I wasn't really aware of how my masculine was playing out so I listened and then out of nowhere there he was. Like a powerful force that had kept me prisoner my entire life. He spoke as he held a felic symbol of a penis in my hand, the words "this thing fucked me up when I was 5 years old and again at 11, and for the past 30 years I've been wanting to get revenge. Every man was an abuser and every cock was a rapist".
These words fell upon me like a heavy weight. Yet suddenly, it all made sense, everything fell into place. No man was ever going to come close to this guarded heart, no man was going to get in. A cock was a cock and they were all destructive no matter who it was attached to. That was my story! What a revealation! But what now, what do I do with this information my body had given me?
So on goes the search to find the answer and I discovered it through a transmission of energy at a sex & consciousness conference. I found my truth in sexual healing. I have done every other type of healing known to man and yet I hadn't addressed the one area where it all began.
So as I embarked on this rather scary yet liberating journey with a beautiful sexual healer 'Scarlett' I was liberated from my pain that was still sitting inside my body and have never felt more free. The cleansing that has taken place in my womb has been and still is so beautifully expansive that I am forever grateful. In my eyes I was brought back to my purity, my innocense and my virginity was reinstated as my womb was purifed from the darkness and violation.
And last night, I lost my virginity and I bled. I knew that I could only make love with a man who I knew loved me and cared for me and I chose my past partner to hold this space for me. Although our relationship has been rocky, I knew in my heart of hearts that the love we have shared with each other runs deeper than any egoic pattern or habitual behaviour.
So we made love and I can say with my hand on my heart, that never in my life have I ever been made love to in a way that I experienced within myself. I opened my heart completely, I let down all my walls, I dropped all barriers and put down my weapons. I let him in completely without a thought of the abuser or the rapist in my entire being. I allowed my vulnerability to lead the way, I cried, I wailed and I giggled. I felt like the 11 year old was dissolving inside of me and the woman was emerging. I felt like every other time I had been sexually violated was also melting away and I became more and more open and free within myself. I felt as if I was growing up inside of myself and with every movement and deep penetration, I became more free, open and expanded.
I cannot explain the wisdom I have received from this experience and I don't want to begin to try and figure it out. All I know is the memories that were stored inside my womb have gone and a new story has been written. One of love, tenderness, sacredness, intimacy and sensuality. For the first time in my life, I made love. For the first time in my life, I experienced a full body orgasm that went on and on and on. BLISS! Aged 41 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. How blessed am I to have been given yet another gift of the soul. Thank you life, thank you love, thank you truth!The blessing in all of this is as I heal more of me, I can support humanity and the epidemic that is sexual abuse across our globe. I feel like I'm an expert in this subject and have the strongest conviction to help support others in their own healing process. So please, if you feel moved by what I am sharing, reach out and ask for help. It is possible to transform the scars. Contact me here for a confidential chat
"Keep you heart open no matter what, it's actually more painful to close it"
I dedicate this piece of writing to a beautiful man in my life who has taught me that through pain, there is an even greater love to experience ... Tom, I thank you with all my heart.
I have to write about the heart awakening today. I know I have written about this several times before but it's the subject of the moment. I am constantly reminded at how beautiful my life is as I continue to keep my heart open. Having been through yet another relationship challenge and dealing with life in general I've noticed that when I shut my heart off to love, it's so much more painful.
No matter what comes at me, and believe me, I've been dealing with some painful projections lately, I just keep being love. My behaviours aren't always in alignment with this yet I come back to my heart space so much more quickly and am not afraid to say sorry.
My ego wants so much to throw shit back, blame, deny, justify and defend but this is my unhealthy masculine energy coming to the forefront to battle. This does not support me anymore and I know this part has been in place to protect me and keep me safe. NO MORE!
"I declare from this moment on to keep my heart wide open, to let everything in and through, welcome any resistance that shows up and feel whatever it is I need to feel, even if it's painful. "
Where there is pain, there is pleasure. Where there is darkness, there is light. I know this and have known this for sometime. I've just been resisting wanting to have to go the really deep and dark spaces for it hurts so much. Yet now, I am asking for all of it to come flooding and I am taking the lid off completely. I want it all, I am open to have to feel everything that I possibly can as I know this is where freedom truly lies.
So many of us avoid the pain, shut it down, lock it away and pretend like it doesn't exist. From this becomes the facade we wear in life, the masks we adorn and the conditioned responses show up like thick lies and bullshit that others can smell if they are conscious to it.
Relationships break down, communication is stilted and life will not support us to it's greatest capacity because we are ripping ourselves off from the magic and wonder of it all.
Working with a client today who had an angry father, he has had this anger imprinted upon him for over 20 years, locked away in his cells, releasing themselves from time to time when his buttons got pushed. Little did he know there is a way through and all of this can be released, cleansed and purified from the body in a simple, profound and powerful way.
Pain does not have to exist inside of us. When it is acknowledged and fully embraced then it can be given permission also to be loved and is no longer required. Your pain becomes redundant and everything else along with it. Pain no longer exists, anger disappears, hurt, sadness, grief and all suffering simply melts away.
What is revealed from this is simply 'pure love' and a lightness in your body that exists when all the shit is removed. If there is no darkness, no crap and no heaviness, what can show up? Light, lightness, openness and freedom. YAY for that!
So what are you going to choose? Are you going to continue to live with your pain? Are you going to go on for years and years living with depression, anxiety, fear, resentment, anger, hatred and anything else you've been holding onto. Are you going to pretend like life is just 'fine and dandy', showing something different on the outside to what is on the inside?
OR ARE YOU GOING TO WAKE UP?
You don't have a lot of time, life might just hand you your wake up call if you don't choose yourself.
You get to choose, you get to decide right now that you deserve to be free, you deserve to be whole and you deserve to live a life full of love and effortless ease.
Do not allow anothers words to become your reality. If a doctor tells you that you are sick and plants a label on you such as cancer or ADD or depression or PTSD, or bipolar and the list goes on... you stand up, take a breath and you decide what YOU want for you.
If a loved one puts you down, judges you, criticises you, blames you, makes you wrong and speaks nastily to you... YOU decide what is true, take a deep breath and open our heart and know you are love and NOTHING can harm this.
Never put your power in someone elses hands even if you are terrified. Welcome the terror and feel what is underneath to YOUR truth. YOU choose your destiny and do not allow someone elses diagnosis to become your reality.
When you welcome all pain and open your heart to the most expansive nature that it can be, then you will feel the truth, know the truth and be the truth of existence. LOVE LOVE LOVE and I'm not talking some kind of airy fairy shit, I'm talking about real true blissful unconditional energetic love for self. Then life can truly love you back and it's friggin awesome!
God I love life ... and I love you
"Inside this body lies ancient wisdom, deeply ingrained waiting to be heard....sssssh, stop and listen"
I don't want to hide anything from anyone about where I am at in my journey. I feel as a practitioner of light and someone who is becoming more and more transparent in myself and in my work, it is my role to enlighten others through my own experiences.If I can heal the deep wounds inside of me, then this can give permission to heal others or have them heal themselves anyway.So here I am in my vulnerability once again sharing from my heart.
I want to write about Personal Power today... and how I gained my power back, then given it away again. Frustrating indeed. What is it about personal power that continues to be stripped away, given away and stepped all over.
What is it about the human race that feels it is their right to walk all over someone else. If we look at it from different circumstances. A small child born is disempowered as soon as a mother decides to control feed instead of demand feed.
That poor child has to cry for it's milk and is conditioned before it even has a chance to speak up for itself. Mum I'm hungry, too bad, I'll feed you when it works for me or when the nurse tells me when it's time. Then the mothers power is taken away as well. And how do the nurses know what's best for that child? Who disempowered them to not use their natural instincts? Alot of mothers are also stripped of their power during the birthing process. I know I certainly was. Once you're in that hospital you are handed over to the medical profession with little or no say at all about how you get to birth your baby.
Lets step it up a notch shall we. Lets look at how we are controlled by government, laws, school education, the medical industry and the media. All of this brings us into a complete state of disempowerment if we allow it to. It's all rather depressing if you ask me.
Women are still being overruled by cultural laws in countries like Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. I spent some time living in Saudi Arabia in 2002 and it was like being in a prison. My God, this is the 21st century isn't it.
Anyway, there is a point here somewhere. The point I'm wanting to make is that we as human beings give our power away much too often and refuse to even remember that we are powerful beyond measure.
The experience I had yesterday that took me over the edge during a tantric sacred spot massage was one where I accessed the innate power inside of me that had been long forgotten. An old wisdom emerged, a deep ancient knowing of a time when I was a powerful leader and saint. I fought battles (seems I still am in some ways) and stood up for what I believed in. Where does this disappear to? It is locked away in our cells and unless we gain access to it through stripping away the old constructs of who we are not, we will never be able to emerge as our true authentic self.
I have personally experienced 22 years of searching, hundreds of different therapies and I knew it was time to go deep within. What is held deep in our womb is unbelievably beautiful and incredibly powerful. As I was entered with such sacredness, respect and honour, I felt the surge of energy rush through me over and over again opening my soul to it's deepest truth. I experienced the pain of old abuse leave my body and the expansion of my core begin to open. I got to come home to my true authentic power and rest in the knowledge that I am home.
For many years I have been either in my wounded child and would play out the victim or I would go into battle and defend my right to be heard, yelling, screaming, tantruming, blaming and shutting down. Not very powerful behaviour at all!
It has only been in the past few years that I have found my authentic power that lived dorment inside of me. Once this was accessed, I found my gentleness and tenderness as well. Your power can be kind, it can be honest and it can be true. It doesn't have to be brutal.
So I've gone off on a few tangents throughout this blog and yet the point I am really wanting to get across is that you are amazing, you are incredible, you are magnificent and anyone or anything that tells you otherwise is a lie. It is so important to know who you are and there are many methods of experiencing this. This particular method for me was by far one of the most profoundly healing of my life.
Today, step back into your natural empowered state, place your hands over your solar plexus and take three deep breaths and affirm 'I am powerful'. If you don't believe ask for all beliefs surrounding this lack to be cleansed and purified, destroyed and uncreated. Then take three more breaths and state the words 'I am powerful'. Do this until you feel it in your whole body. Then see what shows up through your day. You might be surprised.
Your body is a machine made up of Universal energy, that's pretty powerful. If you can remember this then all the rest can drop away. If you would like some support in this area then feel free to contact me
for your free half hour consultation.BlessingsSoreya
"Life is so excited about supporting your dreams... you just need to remember to ask"
I am so excited about sharing this message with you all. I have had the most phenomenal last few weeks and continue to be beautifully surprised by what life offers me. You see, just a few weeks ago I was facilitating my monthly course 'A Journey of Awakening' with 12 of my beautiful soul sistars.
We spent the day in silence and the invitation was to ask our inner universe to allow the bigger questions for life to arise. When you sit in silence, the gold is revealed to you and life can then support you from this space. So the questions that bubbled up inside of me were...
"What is the legacy I am going to leave?"
"How can I reach more people with this light?"
"How can I take this work globally?"
"How can I make more of a difference to humanity?"
That very evening... I wasn't able to sleep and was on Facebook when I saw an invitation to 'Come, live work and play in paradise'. The invitation was to come to Bali to do an internship with Christopher Howard and Rockhouse Global to be a part of their team launching their new organisation to the world. Their vision is to eradicate poverty and change the education system. Right up my alley!
Long story short, I put down all my excuses and beliefs that this couldn't happen for me and applied, had a skype interview two days later and was offered an internship. I go to Bali mid May to spend 3 months with Chris and the Rockhouse team learning the business and supporting global transformation. Everything fell into place so effortlessly with my sons father offering to have him and support me with my dream. I rented my place out to a client and all my loved ones supported me with open arms.
But wait there's more...
The awakened one keeps his heart open, the unawakened one doesn't know his heart is closed
It is 5.30am and I have been awake for an hour, tossing and turning thinking about my heart and why it hurts when there is a loss.
There is actual physical pain that I have experienced many times over the years. It is almost as if the heart itself is crying, wrenching tears and trying to release itself from the pain.
This morning I woke with such sorrow in my heart for the loss of yet another relationship. I sometimes feel as though I am a complete failure in relationship and yet this morning I realised how much of a success I have been... because I have kept my heart open even when it's painful.
I remember one of my teachers Brandon Bays saying "in order to truly know love you must allow the heart to be broken a thousand times and a thousand times over"
It’s like a seething demon that lurkes inside of us waiting to strike. It waits for the perfect moment to burn the house down and go to battle. It’s like a volcano lying dorment and is struck by a match blowing up destroying everything in it’s wake.
What is anger? It is an energy that sits inside of the body, deep in the cells, unexpressed feelings from our past, deep wounds and hurts that haven’t yet been vented or released. It is an energy that can be triggered by something so small and leave us wondering where it stemmed from and why it has reared it’s ugly head.
Anger serves no purpose and does no one any good if it is not dealt with in a healthy and wholesome way. Anger is certainly not something that shouldn’t be felt or expressed, in fact it is worse if it is shut down inside of us. This is where the real danger can take place. Anger is an energy that has to be given full permission to be heard, be felt and to be released. Unfortunately most people don’t know how to channel their anger in a constructive way. Most people’s fuses are so short that it comes and goes without realising the carnage left behind. Then it’s too late! Or is it?
This weekend I plummeted to the depths of my darkness. I allowed myself to go to a place that I had only ventured before through no lack of will. I chose to consciously break open the space where my demons were held like prisoners locked in chains and I opened pandoras box or at least it was opened for me.
This weekend I attended a course aptly named Dark Eros - To Hell & Back, a deep experiential workshop that looked at and invited us to dive into our rage, our demon, our devil, our fears and deepest sexual desires. This weekend was about going to hell that exists within us, and I went there in more ways than one.
The truth of diving into our dark space is that there is more light to access only you have to go through the darkness to access it. I had a solid intent to free myself of the restraints that had kept my power locked away. My intent was to play full out and almost force myself to seek out the truth underlying the lies... or was it the other way around.
You see, so many people walk around with their masks on. These masks consist of the parts of us that we hide away from society for fear of being wronged, judged, criticised, belitted or condemned. It seems for most of humanity, it is easier and safer to hide behind the mask than to be struck down and castrated for showing our true darkness.So what happened for me on this weekend was something of a surprise. Although I am pretty good at showing up and participating, I certainly was not expecting what actually happened. What made it worse, or better if you can look at it this way, is that I was attending with my partner, the one true love of my life. Some part of me was thinking this would be a romantic weekend away, where we would connect deeply, fall even deeper into our bubble of love and emerge stronger and more aligned.
Seems I was somewhat mistaken. For now!
What I entered upon was parts of me that had never been accessed. The abuser, the demon, the kinky bitch, the whore, the serpent, the man hater, the jealous evil one and the one who lacked power, remorse and compassion.
The pain that seeing, feeling, breathing and finding these parts within me was immense. I was taunted, teased, devastated and demoralised and worse of all my partner was going through the same stuff only in his own world and disconnected to mine. I’ve never done a workshop with my partner before and forgot that we would both be in our own process and it would impact upon each other. The deeply embedded wounds that arose like fucking demons from a dark cavern were so disgusting. They wreaked of puss and poison and tasted like shit. The stench of old wounding, of abuse and of trauma was far too much to handle, and yet that is exactly what I did, I handled it.
By being held in group energy and safely guided and midwived by our teachers we were able to honour each process as it took place. There was a space held for all to be revealed and it was all welcome. There I was with a group of people I hardly knew, willing to bare my soul and everything that hid in the corners. I was willing to to be seen, to be naked, to scream, to shout, to howl and to give my power a voice. I was given full permission to simply surrender it all up and be seen, heard and honoured.
What happened in the space and throughout the weekend is not what is important. What matters here is that the deepening of what took place was so utterly freeing and liberating that I have emerged feeling as if nothing can touch me and nothing can break me.
There are places inside of us that are dark and if we deny them they will fester up like old rotten festering maggots. You can not hide from these spaces, you cannot run and you certainly cannot pretend they don’t exist. They exist in each and every one of us. That is why our world is full of darkness, rape, violence, predators, control, manipulation, pedophilia, murder, theft, sadonism and anything else that lives in the realms of hell.
So to go to hell and back is a great gift. Something that is not for everyone and yet it was somewhere I had to go to experience more light within myself. It’s not apparent to me just yet as to what will emerge as a greater sense of purpose but what I do know is that if I didn’t give this gift to myself, I wouldn’t be able to look diversity directly in the face and say ‘you are welcome’.
All is welcome, all is welcome, all is welcome. Welcome yourself into your darkness and ask to awaken the dorment lying energies that lurk in the corridors and behind trapdoors. You can never understand why they exist yet you can most certainly become friends with them and discover the polar opposite of why they exist within you.
Whether it is the insanity of the mind taking control of your thoughts, or the insatiable addiction that keeps you imprisoned, when the darkness is fully realised, acknowledged, loved and accepted it can simply rise and fall and not take hold anymore.
We tend to fight against and hate these parts of us... think of your darkness as a small child having a tantrum and running to your for help. Would you shove them away and tell them to shut up or hate them for being in their experience. Well STOP doing this to your own inner child. You deserve to be loved for all of you. Claim all of you once and for all. It's time.
What will awaken is the truth, the real raw authentic truth of who you really are. You can ask for what you want, you can demand from the Universe what you desire and you can be assured that it will be delivered. When you unlock these parts, when you access the core from your deepest base self, the love and light pours out of you and life conspires to support you in every single way.
Blessings for your journey... if you would like to make contact me for a free consultation to discuss your darkness please contact me here
I've often wondered what FAITH really is. Is it something tangible that we can grasp a hold of? Seems not. Faith is something that resides deep within us. It is something that grows and deepens over time as a greater awareness develops around the essence of this word, the meaning and the truth behind it.
For me FAITH is something that has slowly awakened within me like a flower opening, revealing it's soft fragrance bit by bit. Or perhaps FAITH has been like a door opening ever so slightly to bring through the gentle breeze on my face.
My faith has been tested many times throughout my life. There have been times when I've wanted to give up completely, where I've laid myself bare and given up on GOD, life and anything that represented faith in any way.
The Awakened One suffers, therefore there is no suffering. The Unawakened One moves away from suffering therefore there is suffering... Sri Amma Bhagavan
When I first heard this quote it kind of tripped my system. I couldn't quite figure it out. It just didn't make sense. And then all of a sudden as awakened some more, I understood it not from the mind, but from the level of the Soul.
It was like a wave of awareness flooding in. Although I have been with my suffering for many years, doing the work and being fully committed to my spiritual path and the journey of awakening, I have also at times moved away from suffering. Avoidance, ignorance and arrogance has played a huge part in my life in the past. I now choose to move towards and end the suffering by stepping right into the volcanic eruption that resides within me. I now choose to feel everything fully. I now choose freedom.